


No better place

by Sourcherrymagiks



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: Baz loves it, Blow Jobs, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Lots of kissing, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Quarantine, Simon is being a brat, kissing everywhere, maybe a bit of licking too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:01:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23628892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourcherrymagiks/pseuds/Sourcherrymagiks
Summary: On March 23rd 2020 the United States government issued some guidance around safe sex during the COVID-19 pandemic.Including this extraordinary phrase:Rimming (mouth on anus) might spread COVID-19. Virus in faeces may enter your mouth.And advising against such contact.OrThe one where Simon is a filth waggon
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 27
Kudos: 182
Collections: Carry On Collection - Quarantine Edition





	No better place

**Author's Note:**

> Massive thank you to [ Visinata](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Visinata/pseuds/Visinata) and [ Pip ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafbaeyette/pseuds/pipsqueakparker) for beta’ing this, you are the best 💕💕💕

**Simon**

So it hasn’t been ideal really.

But also it’s been ideal.

After all the shit in America and Watford we could have done without another apocalypse but, on the bright side, everyone is in agreement that I am definitely in no way ‘chosen’ to deal with this one. As Penny pointed out, Watford left me very under qualified for non-magical pandemics.

I would be frustrated but I’m too knackered to get worked up about it. A few weeks off from battling the forces of evil is really overdue.

Baz decided to stay here (and who could blame him? Fiona is a nutbox at the best of times) and we’ve still got Shep (well Penny has got Shep for sure) so it’s cosy but nice. To keep the peace and try to maintain some order Penny created an ‘annoying fucker’ box so if you snap at someone you have to pick a chore out of the box. It’s a good deterrent. Baz feels that it ‘inhibits his natural method of communication’ but Penny just rolled her eyes when he was being an arse and made him clean out the cupboard under the sink.

I tried very very hard to be a supportive boyfriend and not cry with laughter at Basilton Grimm Pitch wiping mould off a shelf while wearing yellow rubber gloves but it was a very close thing.

I should just enjoy the healing time, and we have been (healing I mean). Baz and me. There’s touching and kissing him and laughing (just not at the gloves). I’m greedy now though, I want more. I just. It’s just. I don’t. I’ve never known how to ask for what I want.

I just take it or stop thinking about it.

That doesn’t really work when things are a bit more complicated though. Because I want him and he needs me to ask and well, that’s impossible innit?

So now I’m plotting. The situation has finally worked in my favour and having a filthy inappropriate loudmouth as a best friend doesn’t hurt. I press send on messenger and watch Penny idly thumb her phone open from the opposite couch. Shep leans over to look at the screen when she starts giggling. Baz doesn’t even look up from his gigantic book of ‘Arable Spells and their uses in Modern Farming’ (he loves and misses Malcolm more than he will ever admit).

“Simon Snow, you filthy little pervert,” Penny shrieks at me through her giggles.

I try my innocent face. “Dunno what you mean Penny, I’m just passing on important government guidance.”

Baz raises an eyebrow and lowers his book.

Penny chucks a cushion at me and says “I think we both know that isn’t true Si. Also that’s not from _our_ government. Nice try filth waggon”

“Filth waggon? That warrants a chore Pen,” I say trying not to smirk.

“I did it with affection, didn’t I Shepard?”

Shep looks at her and then me like he’s deciding the most diplomatic route but then just walks off toward the kitchen laughing to himself.

Baz lowers the book dramatically and gives Penny an evil look.“Ms. Bunce, if we are allowed to call each other whatever springs to mind and pass it off as affection, then this house is going to be very dirty. Furthermore if you are going to refer to my boyfriend as a ‘filth wagon’ I feel that I have a right to know what evidence you have to support this claim.” Baz has walked straight into my plot exactly like I knew he would. Fucking yes.

**Baz**

When Penny hands me her phone I don’t completely expect what I find. I mean, frankly, who could? These are exceptional times but even in exceptional times one expects government advice to err on the side of vague. This is not even slightly vague nor clinical enough to be detached. This is something else entirely.

I see Simon’s beautifully simple plot at first glance and resist the urge to drag him into the bedroom. That or shake my head at his witless,wonderful, stupid, glorious awkwardness.

“Having evaluated the evidence, Snow, I cannot help but agree with Penelope. You are indeed a ‘filth waggon.’” I hand the phone back and open my book up again. Penny gives Simon a triumphant smirk. He settles back next to me, tense and fidgety. I relent a little.

“I hope you read that properly Shepard?” I ask as he comes back in with tea. When he has it safely on the table I follow up with, “As an American citizen, you should ensure that you keep your tongue out of Penelope’s arse. It’s your patriotic duty”

Simon collapses into some very undignified snorts, Penny hesitates for a second and then joins him, Shep looks like he might kill me with his bare hands, and I pour the tea like we had been discussing arable spells.

“I think I’m supposed to keep my tongue away entirely Baz, If I remember right” He deadpans back to me. And that’s it. It takes twenty minutes before anyone can catch their breath by which time the tea is stone cold.

**Simon**

I have no idea if he got the hint. When I close our bedroom door I’m nervous as fuck. There’s no buffer in here, no passing it off as banter.

“Snow? Stop thinking so hard, you’ll set something on fire.” He pats the bed and I slump down, catching his shoulder with my wing.

“I’m not thinking, I’m trying...” I let the words trail off. I need him to meet me halfway or some of the way or just fucking kiss me.

“Would you like to explicitly defy the instructions of the United States Government, Simon Snow?” He runs a finger along the edge of my wing and giving me one of his best villain looks. Like he’s luring me to the dark side. I can’t even suppress the shudder that rocks my whole body. He must be able to hear my heartbeat. I can taste it in my throat. It’s all I can hear.

“What? I mean yes, I think, if you?” I give up when the words that don’t mean anything pile up into a sound that doesn’t mean anything.

He looks nervous too now and I think that means we are fucked. One of us has to be brave just to push through all these fears and feelings. One of us has to be brave just to get us though. One of us has to.

“Will you, please, to me, I want you to, if, you don’t have to though I could just, I’ll go, I’m sorry” I stammer out in a very not brave way. Then I get up to go.

I’m flat on my back on the bed before I even have time to register that I’ve been attacked by a bloody vampire.The vampire is kissing my mouth and neck and his hands are in my hair. I think I’ll stay.

**Baz**

Its time for me to stop overthinking this. He’s made himself more than clear enough. I break the kiss and pin him to the bed with my hand in the centre of his chest. I can feel his heart hammering, the heat coming off him, the blood racing through his veins. Always so alive.

I tug at his joggers and pants with my free hand, and he lifts his hips to help. Then squeaks a bit as he crushes his wing. It’s clumsy and funny until it’s not.

Until he’s naked and golden and looking at me like that.

Crowley. Will I ever get over Simon bloody Snow naked? I take a very deep and very shaky breath and give him a half smile because I can’t stop myself.

He gives me the kind of infuriating shrug that makes me want to kiss him and bite him at the same time.

I’m about to get stuck, I’m about to get too caught up in the ‘ifs’ and the ‘what if’s’. He asked, well he tried his best to ask. But this is a lot. I mean we’ve done stuff but in the dark, in desperation, quick heated collisions. This isn’t that. This is crossing all sorts of lines and I was unprepared for that. For this.

For Simon Snow naked and willing and wanting.

What the fuck am I waiting for? I’ve thought this moment through a million times.

I lean over him and kiss him. Let him kill the thoughts with his hot, demanding mouth. Let him wipe away the worries with a sweep of his fingers up my spine. Let him shut down the fear as his legs wrap around my hips.

**Simon**

He was doing too much thinking but he’s not difficult to distract. It’s a big jump and a big deal but if he starts acting like it is then I’ll start acting like it is and we will end up back at fumbling hand jobs for the next ever.

He pulls up from my kisses and grabs at his wand. The silencing spell he casts is the worst practical example of spell casting I’ve ever seen. Certainly the worst Baz has ever done. All the words run into one and it sort of works but not fully. It looks like a spell I would have cast back when I could. Baz curses under his breath and tries again. It works this time. He blushes when he catches my eye and I realise he’s flustered. I can’t resist, it’s ingrained in me to give him shit whenever I can. “Did you just fuck up a first year magic spell Pitch?”

I’m almost proud.

He turns on me with his eyebrow raised. I swear he mutters something about me being a brat under his breath and I want to laugh. I want to kiss him again. I want.

He casts a **‘better safe than sorry** ’ on us and I lean into his magic, it feels like someone put on too much Deep Heat except it doesn’t smell nearly as bad.

“Are you sure, Love?” He’s still a bit raspy and breathy, it does terrible things to me.

I can’t speak so I nod and take his hand, rubbing gently over his knuckles. He brings my hand up to his mouth and kisses it.

Fainting would be an option if I wasn’t lying down.

“Baz, please, will you, take...” I give up and motion at his clothes. He gives me a dangerous look that makes me hot deep inside. I can’t help but moan when he pulls his t-shirt off. I’m on him before he can start on his joggers. I need to kiss him. I need to touch him, make sure he’s real, that he’s really here, really mine. His skin under my fingers is cool and smooth and I can’t touch him enough. I find myself pulling at his joggers because I’m greedy and hungry and I want everything now.

He laughs into my neck “Tickles, let me.”

He could probably do it more easily if I got off him but I’m not going to. Each centimetre of skin that he uncovers feels like a gift. Merlin I want, I want, I want.

**Baz**

Simon looks hungry. Starving. His hands are everywhere, it’s setting me on fire. But I need more than fevered groping. I kiss him again and take his wrists.

“Enough, you beautiful menace. Lie down please, face down.” I can barely get the words out through the shame but the need wins out.

He swallows and for a moment I think he’s going to call it all off, that all this skin on skin, all this touch, is just going to be too much. But then he looks me up and down, licking his lips and, for once in his life, does as he’s told.

I follow him down, kissing his neck, his shoulders, the place where his wings join his body. That earns me an absolutely debauched whine so I do it again.

“Baz, fuck, please” He’s rolling his hips into the bed and clutching the sheets. I’m no better off. I make a mental note to come back to this whole wing thing at another point. There is real potential there. Fuck.

I almost regret it as I make my way down his back to the dip at his hips. I smooth my hands over his arse, tracing from one constellation of moles to the next, feeling the give in the soft flesh and the promise of taught muscle underneath.

“Please, fuck, please, please.” He’s desperate and that’s making me desperate.

I nudge his legs apart and settle between them. I try to be gentle as I spread his arse but I find myself gripping more tightly then I mean to keep my hands from shaking. I want him so much.

**Simon**

My skin is trembling everywhere he touches. I can’t stop chattering nonsense at him. Well, more whining nonsense at him, really.

That thing he did with my wings was fucking incredible. I dunno how I didn’t come right there. I’m making a damp spot on the bed where I’m grinding down into it. My mind wanders over the idea of Baz licking the mess of pre-come off my cock and it sets me off into another round of whimpers.

When he starts gripping my arse I have a moment of panic, a minute where it feels like there’s a weight pressing on my chest, but the first flick of his cold tongue across my hole puts paid to that. I feel him moan into me at the same moment I unleash a noise so fucking loud that they must be able to hear it through the flat.

Before I can worry too much about it, Baz slides his flattened tongue over me again and again and again. It starts cold but then his mouth warms gradually from the contact with my burning skin.

He’s killing me. Actually killing me. I can feel the wave building in me and I know I haven’t got long. Then he slides his tongue into me.

“Baz, I’m, fuck.”

**Baz**

The smell of him, the taste of him, it’s intoxicating. Almost as intoxicating as the responses he gives me every single time I move my mouth on him.

He’s not holding anything back tonight, he’s giving himself up to me, letting me in.

I want to give him everything.

The ripples of tension start snaking up his thighs as he gets close. I’ve learnt this, I know this about Simon now. I know the ways he loses control. I know how pleasure looks and feels on him.

I dare to slip my tongue right inside him and sigh at the shudders he gives up in waves. I do it again and then flip him over before he can lose it completely.

The yelp of disappointment and frustration dissolves into a groan of wanton desire as I swallow his cock down. He grabs my hair in one hand.He grabs my hand with the other, twining his fingers in mine, grasping hard.

“Baz, m’close, can I?”

I don’t even bother moving my mouth to answer. Instead I pull off slightly and run the head of his cock around my wet lips before licking firmly down and hollowing my cheeks out as I suck his glorious dick.

He thrusts into my mouth once, twice, and then loses it. Simon can’t drink tea without an opera level production. Simon Snow coming in my mouth is an outright, unadulterated performance. It’s perfect. It’s delicious.

He trembles and clutches at me forever. Each breath plunges me further into this insane intimacy that is more, closer, tighter than we have ever been before. It hurts my chest in all the best ways.

“Come here,” he whispers at me and then when I don’t move fast enough for his bratty liking he repeats,“Come here, come on, please”

I make my way up to him and he kisses me, then rolls over so I’m under his weight, his warmth.

Oh.

**Simon**

I’m blissed out and tingly as fuck but I’m not done. Fairs fair.

I love Baz under me, the way he melts into my skin like I’m superheating him, like I’m lava.

I don’t know what I want to do to him (everything) I don’t know what he wants (probably the same).

I could ask. That feels dangerous. But I could.

“What do you want, Love?” I whisper into his ear, swallowing the feelings of fear and shame and panic.

“Will you put your mouth on me?” He breathes the words into my neck like he doesn’t want me to hear, like I might say no.

I don’t get caught up talking to him or thinking. Instead I slide down his body and lick the crown of his elegant cock. I’m dizzy from the taste of him, from the feel of him, from the massive orgasm he just gave me.

He tugs my curls as I suck and lick at him. I want him to fucking loose it like I did but he’s holding back. I’m not having it.

I move my hand off his hip, skating over his sharp bones and tight muscles, until my fingers are running down the cleft of his perfect arse.

I try to do with my finger what he did with his tongue. Circling and nudging, stroking and pressing.

“Fucccccckk, Simon, Love” Baz hisses clutching tighter and arching into my mouth and hand.

He’s sweating and writhing and getting closer and closer. I feel it building in him, feel his arse tensing under my hand and then he’s coming hard in my mouth, hot and wet.

It’s amazing and terrifying, but mostly amazing.

After we can breathe again I wrap myself around him, nuzzling into his neck, stroking his stomach, rubbing my feet against the hairs on his legs.

He strokes my hair and grips my hip with his other hand. We are so close. Touching almost everywhere we can.

“Was that adequate, Snow?” He asks in his best snarky voice.

“Not completely but you’ve got a few weeks to practice.” I laugh at him as he slaps my arse.

It has been ideal.


End file.
